Through my countless hours spent exchanging such intelligent tidbits of conversation as “sup? nm. lol” and “im bored. lol.“, I’ve stumbled across enough people on the old intersphere to break them up into a clear and distinctive list. Thus it is with a half-assed sigh that I present;

Internet Survival: MSN

1. The Broken Record

The Broken Record is that guy who’s conversations are about as exciting as a movie starring Keanu Reeves. In slow motion. Every single attempt at interaction will result in an IM window that looks strikingly similar to an episode of The Hills; filled with the same boring shit over and over. The Broken Record will often repeat him/herself, informing you of the smallest details of their day so frequently that you’ll soon be more informed on what they had for breakfast than anything you’ve learned in high school.

A Conversation With A Broken Record:

Jackson: hai
TBR: hey. whats up?
Jackson: not a lot, just reading Digg. how about you?

TBR: omg im so glad you asked!
TBR: im liek doing this thing for my boyfriend where im gonna like, buy him a present because its his birthday. and im worrying heaps bcause i dont know what he will like! i mean last tiem for his birthday i got him this reely reely cool DVD of Superbad (which is like, his fave movie) but if i get him a nother movie he mite think im boring and then liek never hook up wif me again!
TBR: oh and omg that reminds me yesterday i was at the shopping centre looking for a birthday present for my boyfriend wen i saw these two girls makin out and i was like ewwww thats gross but it was kinda hot
Jackson: …..?
TBR: no! like! hot if i was a boy! omg please dont tell my boyfriend. he’s already angry at me because i broke his superbad dvd which is what i got him for his birthday! and im alreddy stressed enough bcause its his birthday again soon and i dont know what to get him!

How To Survive:

The only real way to survive against such an unstoppable force of teen-angst and stupidity is to block the user. There is nothing you can say or do to stop the waterfall of mental retardation spewing out from the mind of a Broken Record. You can insult them, which is kinda fun, but there is no offensive statement in the entire universe that will make up for the hours spent staring at “Such-and-such is typing a message…”.

2.  The Dead End

Dead End’s are the type of people who will engage you in a conversation that leads nowhere.
At all.

A Conversation With The Dead End

TDE: hi.
Jackson: hai
TDE: sup?
Jackson: nm, you?
TDE: nm.
Jackson: …..
TDE: …..

How To Survive:

Say something that is bat-shit insane.
After the usual exchanges of “sup?” and “nm u?”, try throwing in a few curse words followed by an unspeakable action committed to a farm animal. Say anything that will get them to speak back. Sure, the stuff you say will probably get you labeled as “pig-fucker” for the rest of high school, but at least you got that bastard to send a message that contained more than three words.

3. The “I’m Not Here So Fuck You” Guy

The INHSFY guy (or, as I like to call him; the annoying fucker who I wish would die in a car wreck) is always on MSN.
Always.
An INHSFY guy will leave their accounts signed in and just walk the fuck away, leaving anyone who needs to contact them with nothing except an empty IM window and a Firefox tab of porn. These types of people annoy the hell out of me – if you know you’re not going to be able to talk to anyone, why leave a program running that is used for talking to people?

That’s like answering your phone and then walking away to watch TV whilst the person on the other side cries and rocks in the corner, convincing themselves that “It’s okay. He’ll be back soon.”

A Conversation With An “I’m Not Here So Fuck You” Guy

Jackson: holy fuck man! there’s a fucking serial rapist with a gun trying to bust through the door! jesus christ! you gotta call the cops for me!
INHSFY: …..

How To Survive:

The next time you see him in real life, kick the fucker in the nuts.

4. The “My Name Is A Novel” Guy

These people are quite possibly the most evident on MSN. MNIAN guys see a place to type their name and instantly believe that this is an invitation to begin writing their 595 page romance novel which, in their heads, is the most poetic and philosophical thing ever spewed out from the depths of the human mind. Conversations with these types become almost impossible because, in most cases, their name is longer than the message they’re sending. However when you consider that someone of their intelligence rarely sends anything longer than four letters, this feat becomes less impressive.

Adding even more to the visual punch in the face recieved from their names is the fact that nine times out of ten, their retarded ramblings and useless views on the world are accompanied with seemingly random emoticons such as a bat, a pint of beer or the incredibly gender confused “guy giving hug”.

How To Survive:

Right click their name in your contact list and select “Add Nickname”.
Suggestions for names to replace their own: “Prick”, “I Hate That Guy”, “Cockmunch” and, my personal favorite “Nancy Hardigan”.

For those of you who have not read the disaster of a review, it can be found here.

Edelstein’s (what is he, Communist?) main criticism of the film is it’s dark and gritty tone, something nobody expected in a film called The Dark Knight. Is this man so mentally retarded that he was genuinely surprised to discover that a movie starring a deformed clown and a leather-clad black ninja was going to be dark? Weren’t the trailers, posters, viral marketing campaigns and television commercials enough to reveal the idea that yes, this is a dark film.

Complaining that The Dark Knight is too dark is like going to the movies to see a Saw film and whining that the film was too scary, or going to see a comedy and complaining that it was too funny. Criticizing a film advertised and hyped as a serious and dark movie for delivering on exactly what it promised is quite possibly the most retarded thing I’ve seen all year (except for Cloverfield).

Another gem of cinematic critique bestowed upon the world by Edelstein is that Christopher Nolan “appears to have no clue how to stage or shoot action.” He complains that the fight scenes are “incoherent“, which raises the question of what Edelstein would consider coherent, anyway. The fight scenes in The Dark Knight are in no way hard-to-follow or disorientating, and this is coming from someone who felt a little sick during the shaky-camera antics of Cloverfield.

The claim that Nolan is inept at creating and shooting action sequences is destroyed with the numerous vehicles and structures demolished amazingly in the film. How a reviewer can criticize the action of a movie that has a front flipping truck (a fucking front flip!) baffles me.

As if Edelstein’s review of The Dark Knight wasn’t bad enough, his previous scores for other movies add even more to the mass “What the fuck?” uttered by the internet. Whilst this man insults quite possibly one of the best super-hero (and, to an extent, crime) movies of the last few years, he gives bastardized crap like Don’t Mess With The Zohan and Wanted positive reviews.

Personally, I loved The Dark Knight and, whilst not a fanboy, will gladly recommend it to anybody who will listen.

Don’t let douchebags like Edelstein deter you; see this film.